Insomnia... or anger???

I guess I feel it is a good thing I am sitting up, watching the home channel at 4am.  

The reason I think this is because it means I have moved past the first stage in my healing process.  I went to sleep rather early on this Labor Day weekend Saturday night... after mosing around my parents house all day.

I however was awoken by a nightmare and found myself nothing but angry.

I am angry that he promised me he would love me forever. I am angry that he promised my dad the same thing. I am angry that when times got hard he ran away. I am angry that I know one huge component in my current situation is that he was jusy plain scared. I am angry that he didn't care enough to talk about it or try harder.  I am angry he let me be the way I was. I am angry I ever even had to feel the way I did, which made me act the way I did. I am angry that I KNOW this innocent girl is going to get hurt as well. I am angry that I have a mortgage for a house that isn't even the one I wanted. I am angry he could walk away from the wreck and leave me with the mortgage and all his bills. I am angry my dad was right, not about him but about the house.  I am angry I didn't listen. I am angry calling off the wedding and working on our relationship was never even an option.  I am angry I have made this so easy on him and he has done nothing but try to make it hard for me. I am angry he has said hurtful things to me for four months. I am angry I let him. I am angry he gave me back a phone and left me to delete the dirty messages and pictures of his new life. I am angry I still care. I am angry that my anger hurts people who actually give a shit about me.  I am angry I have to get up in three hours to go to work.  I am angry I am never his first thought. I am angry he **still** can find money to go out all the time but can't pay me back any money, not even the money I have given him after we broke up.  I am angry to think she was ever near my dog.  I am angry Dolce has to live in two places. I am angry my mom still asks if I talk to Adam, or if I think we can work it out.  I am angry his family hasn't slapped him in the face yet and asked him what the hell he is doing.  I am angry I don't have time to see my friends.  I am angry I am so tired but I cannot even close my eyes. I am just angry.

And We are done....

So done.

As Kim says... no self pity today.

I say, no self pity ever again. I wish Adam just would have told me the truth at the start of this. I actually wish I didn't fall for Adam ten years ago. I wish I was never in this situation. I wish we never bought a condo, I wish we never talked about getting married. I wish I wasn't at my moms house right now having to put my unused wedding dress in storage.

I wish it had taken Adam longer than 2 months to start dating someone else. I wish he hadn't lied when I asked him about it.

I wish it had taken me less than four months to realize it is over.

But, I did. I do.

And we are moving on. Being broken hearted is kinda like having broken ribs. On the outside it looks like nothing is wrong, but every breath hurts.... my ribs have been broken for too long. It took me too long to care about myself enough to stop hoping, stop holding on, stop crying. I'm not kidding myself, I am not over it... but for the first time I want to be. I wanna feel like me again. I want to think about my needs and meet them. I want to stop crying into a glass of pinot grigio about my life ending... because really?? My life is just starting.

No, I don't know how to do it. I don't know how to make it stop hurting. I do however know I have many many amazing friends... all with advice. All willing to listen to me, and help me and understand me. I've spent four months trying to push that away, trying to act like I didn't need it. Sticking up for Adam and thinking... he'll come back. I am done doing that. I am ready to listen and learn. I am ready to learn about myself and remember how strong I am. I am ready to laugh because I want to, not because people are looking. I am ready to cry because I want to, not hide when my friends see I am hurting.

I am ready to start my life over. Start my life without Adam as a part of it. He is a memory... mostly a good memory. That is where he shall stay.

Your kidding me right??

Yesterday this string of emails occured....
1.

I don’t know if you’ve seen this already, but it’s absolutely the most amazing thing I have ever seen. Send it to Kristen, I’m sure she’ll love it if she hasn’t seen it already.

Adam M Haley

From: Leland, Erin [mailto:erin.leland@smithbarney.com]

Sent: Tuesday, August 26, 2008 2:59 PM
To: Briana Jacobs; Jenny Garrett
Subject:

Remember I told you guys about this at our last 5K - Race Judicata. Maybe get a kleenex before watching…

What a TEAM ! ! ! ! ! !
A son asked his father, 'Dad, will you take part in a marathon with me?' The father who, despite having a heart condition, says 'Yes'. They went on to complete the marathon together. Father and son went on to join other marathons, the father always saying 'Yes' to his son's request of going through the race together. One day, the son asked his father, 'Dad, let's join the Ironman together.'

To which, his father said 'Yes' .

For those who don't know, Ironman is the toughest triathlon ever. The race encompasses three endurance events of a 2.4 mile (3.86 kilometer) ocean swim, followed by a 112 mile (180.2

kilometer) bike ride, and ending with a 26.2 mile (42.195 kilometer) marathon along the coast of the Big Island .

Father and son went on to complete the race together. View this:

Click Here to View the View of the duo

Erin J. Leland
Registered Client Services Associate

2.I'm not trying to be rude. It is hard enough. Please don't send me emails sent to you from Erin Leland.... if for one second I stop thinking about it... there I go again...

I'm really sorry to have to say it but I am leaving in three minuites for student orientation and now my eyes are welling up and I feel a hole in the pit of my stomach.
But yes, I have seen it. I agree it is amazing. Not trying to be ungrateful, thank you for sharing(me)

3. You are unbelievable. Move on already.


Yes, thats right.The man that four months ago was ready to marry me wrote that. Instead of just understanding... hmmm... her feelings are hurt maybe I should just say nothing...

Here's an idea. How about you not tell me how to feel. Maybe it is taking me longer. Maybe because I was/am madly in love with you. Maybe because unlike you I didn't want any of this. Maybe because I haven't had time to think about it working three jobs, getting ready to go to school, paying for my condo..... I feel as though I should be able to heal from probably the worst thing that will ever happen in my life in my own time. It is not like I call him and ralk to him about my feelings. I never say anything. Sice the day my FUTURE HUSBAND DUMPED me I wasn't even given the ounce of respect I think I deserve by having one conversation about the end of our marriage.
I just don't understand how he could treat me so cruel. No we are not together anymore... but did you not love me for three years?Does he not have any feelings of friendship left for me? Was it too hard for him not to say something to INTENTIONALLY hurt me?
I am truley disgusted. Here I am trying to become a better person and I see him doing things totally out of charcter... like hurting my feelings on purpose. Well, whatever. I am so done.

To let go...

Everyday until September 12, when my 24 hour suicide watch begins I am going to take steps to begin to let go....

http://www.kelley-adam.com/

Who am I ???

Oral:
My needs aren't important. I don't know what I need. Others' needs matter more. I can't count on anyone. Self- reliant. I can't make it happen myself. I can meet my own needs. Needs nourishment, support.

Phallic:
I am my work. I am what I do. I must produce. I am loveable only if I excel. What I accompish is more important than who I am. I must suceed. I must try my best or something terrible will happen. I will be alone unless I win.

Pshycopath: ( Not the kind you think I am):
Tough. Generous. I am better than others. I am powerful, perhaps invincible. Don't show vulnerability. Take care if others. Must pretend to be okay. Can't be real self.

Amazing...

My day started off kinda low...kinda weird. Last night in the beautiful Colorado , I had yet again a bad nightmare. Let me spell it out for you.

The most I remember is:
It was kinda like college... but we had a chance to preview our rooms. I knew which one I wanted, I knew it would be the only one that could make me happy. So, I remembered where it was and the way you got these rooms...involved a race.... so... they say go. I run to what I think is my room ( or I mean the room I want) and I cant find it to save my life. I am in and out of buildings and I think I know damn well where it is. So I finally figure out exactly where it is. It is directly above where I thought it was....and how do you get up to it? A ladder. Not a stable ladder but a rope ladder. great. So I climb this ladder, I get to the top. I find myself at a place; at the top of a ladder...PETRIFIED....
the ladder was shaking, and it was being held only by a rope. It was reallyhigh, and I was at the top, and I didn't know what to do.The rope was shaking and I was afraid to jump over the top. Which was like jumping into a tree fort, but over this box....
I look behind me, and I see my dear friend Maty. Telling me, " You can do it. Just jump. I know you can do it." I look in front of me, above me. I see Adam. Reaching out his hand, telling me he will help me, that I can do it. I don't move. In my mind I know I can not. I look back and forth, and I finally decide I'm gonna do it. There is a box in the way, next to Adam, and he is at the top, the place I know I need to go. I tell him to move it. He does. I jump. I think I made it .....but my dream morphs into him and erin.... and I think.... this is real life. I wake up in tears.

And so goes my AMAZING day.

I get up, and we go to the farmers market,One of my favorite things to do. We then venture to the pool, where we read and relax... god knows I need this.

Then the best part. Kristy gives me a masssge. I feel things lifting from my mind. I don't know where they are going but they are going away from my head...and for a moment I am peaceful.

It is funny how someone can be your best friend for your entire "important" life... and you never know why, or when you will need them.... but then you do, and you didn't even realize. So I told Kristy about the dream...what does it mean???? that is the question???

So I am reaching for Adam... I need something.But what is it that I need? Well, I need to get over something right? I need to get over him... but I'm afraid, I think I can't... it seems as though I think I need his help... and that is not something i am getting. If anything, Adam is hindering my healing process by not being willing...since the day he broke up with me..... to discuss anything :(

But somehow subconsciously I know my friends are there... there helping me supporting me... I know Maty is, I know he is behind me, and I know everyone else is... trying to help me. Kristy asked me tonight what she needed to do. I said I didn't know... I asked if she could bring my boyfriend back.

I know need something. I just don't know what it is. We then took the coversation to... "Why do you think you became the way you are".... I have many answers for this. The fact that I was taught it wasn't okay to cry became one of them. It also became apparent I had morphed into a different person the second I stopped letting people walk all over me.... but I took it too far, Instead of stopping, and standing up for myself in a polite manner, I became something... some one... who I don't want to be. I became a bitch, I can see that now. Now that it's too late.

Colorado!!!

So here I am in sunny Boulder Colorado.

I found myself a little sad on the plane. Maybe because the last time I was here was with Adam. I often find myself a little depressed when flying. It is mostly when I am landing or taking off... I like to look out the window and I see cars and houses. I wonder about the people that live in them. As Kristy and I drove home from the airport I looked at every house. I want to know about other peoples lives. I wonder about them getting up in the morning and going to work. I think that I think it is surreal or something because to me... I am on vacation... so it is hard for me to understand that people live real lives in places where I go for pure enjoyment. I wonder about their lives.. I wonder if their lives are easier. I want to to understand peoples cultures. I am aware you can go just hours from home and peoples cultures are different.

Everytime I go somewhere I want to move there. I think this is something I learned from my father. He always wanted to move anywhere we went. I always think somehow I will be different or my life or something will change. And maybe it will... maybe being in a place I don't like plays into my poor attitude. I don't really hate Chicago as much anymore. I have begun to accept it as my life. I have tried to embrace it. I do love it, I just hate the weather :(

It does make me wonder though, visiting my two favorite places ( Boulder and Los Angeles) I wonder why someone would chose to live in the midwest... in a city... thats dirty and the best sights there are to offer is the sears tower...when there are things like this in this world. When you can wake up and look at the mountains and the ocean...

My name is Allen Moe, stay thirsty my friends

I absolutley love my new roommate. There is nothing that can do him justice except a list of reasons why he is fabulous

* He is going to start drinking Dos Equis SOLELY because he thinks the guy in the commercial is a pimp. He talks about this multiple times a day, He has now decided when he introduces himself he is going to follow his name with " Stay thirsty my friends"

*He is like the real life dog whisperer. He has taught Dolce things in 2 weeks that we have been trying to teach her for a year and a half.

* He loves to cook. He cooks healthy dinners everynight and no matter what time I get home he wakes up and tells me what he made and where I can find my portion.

* He has the hottest, most fabulous girlfriend. She is like one of my new best friends already. She is so consideate, sincerely interested, honest and real.

*We go grocery shopping like an old married couple. We discuss which things we should buy. We have "old school ( think: frank the tank) weekends" ie... We might go to home depot, I don't know, I don't know if we will have enough time.

* I randomly come home to my laundry washed and folded on my bed.

* He refuses to ask anymore questions about Adam...but still admits to loving him.

*He likes to keep fresh flowers in the house.

*He refers to smoking cigarettes as "blowing fags" he swears hopey will know exactly what hes talking about.

* He has developed a plan to tailgate in our front yard ( think: sidewalk in front of our house) and put the tv in the window, just so we can drink all day at our house.

I can't even go on.... there are so many more things. He is the greatest roomie ever:)

Where are my magnets?

When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The waking up is the hardest part
You roll outta bed and down on your knees
And for the moment you can hardly breathe
Wondering was she really here?
Is she standing in my room?
No she's not, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....

It is time I take my life back. Since I watched it fall apart just four months ago, I feel like I was standing outside it, watching, like a bad car accident. I have started each week telling myself, ok this is gonna be the week. Im gonna get my ass back to the gym, I'm gonna detox and stop drinking, I'm gonna get my shit together. But then night after night I find myself out drinking, talking about my sadness, waking up with a hang over...
It never makes me feel any better, It never even makes me forget. How could it. I cannot forget.....

:He put her out like the burnin' end of a midnight cigarette
Hebroke her heart she spent her whole life tryin' to forget
We watched her drink her pain away a little at a time
But she never could get drunk enough to get him off her mind
Until the night:
Maybe Jessica was right. I cam home for lunch today and immediately noticed something in my house missing. I noticed cards and magnets missing from my refrigerator. To be perfectly clear, these magnets were my save the date magnets and these cards were cards I gave Adam when we were still in love... So, after asking me many times to take them down Jessica felt it was her duty to take them down herself. She was right. It got me to thinking...
It really has been hard for me to wake up everyday. It has been a challenge to want to get out of bed.
That needs to change. The first step is to stop the drinking. To get back in the gym... to start to feel like a real person again... to remember who I am. My behavior is unacceptable...and furthermore it isn't helping anything.

My Godchild

One of my best friends in the entire world is having a baby.
I have been asked to be the God mother. I AM SO EXCITED!!!

I really don't think I can wait another 5 months to meet this child. We don't know yet if it is boy or girl. I still intend on referring to the baby as Chloe.. until I am corrected.
I am so honored that Liz would ask me. This is a huge responsibility that is being bestowed upon me.

I want nothing more than to love Chloe, with all my heart. To teach her right from wrong. To teach her to become her own person. To watch her grow into a beautiful woman. To be there for her, for times she doesn't feel she can talk to her mother or father. As much as I would hope this didn't happen, I know it does. We all do. So many children don't have that option of another adult to share their questions, problems or feelings with and that is sad. I want to be her voice of reason, I want to explain to her why her mother and father are right when she doesn't want to believe it. I want to be there for her at each bump in her road. Each time the world makes her cry, each time she is so happy she could burst. Evey triumph, every let down. I want to be there. I want her to know there is always someone there, supporting her, believing in her, praying for her.

I am so excited to meet this little bundle of joy. I just can't wait.

What do you see when you look at me?

I am a very nice, compassionate person. I care about my friends. I care about people. I don't always portray that very well.
I am strong. Sometimes too strong. I was taught it is not ok to cry. I do. No one knows I do. I love people so much. There are people I think about everyday of my life. It usually makes me sad. I don't always portray that very well.
I am smart. I make bad decisions sometimes. I have a good head on my shoulders.I am giggly. I don't always portray that very well.
I am determined. I have no idea what I want. I felt more secure years ago when I knew exactly who I was. Even though I was wrong. I never give up though. I don't even know how I make it through the day sometimes. I don't always portray that very well.
I am beautiful.I don't always believe it. I am self conscious. Sometimes I wonder if I am more beautiful on the outside than the inside. I don't always portray that very well.
I am careful. I follow the rules. Sometimes I think I push my views on other people. I realize this is wrong. I don't always portray that very well.
I try to look inside myself more.As of recent I have found myself looking in the mirror and asking" who are you". I know I've done things wrong. I am trying to rectify those things. I don't always portray that very well.
I believe in myself. I am my worst critic. I don't know if I am on the right path. I want to take things back I have said or done in my past. I think I am a good person. I don't always portray that very well.
I have high hopes for my future. I am still holding on to the belief that somethings are gonna happen. I know they won't. I believe my karma may be back in check. I don't know what I've done to deserve it. I wish I did. I don't always portray that very well.
I believe in God. I want to believe more than I do. Sometimes I am afraid of my beliefs. I don't always portray that very well.
I love my family. It annoys me sometimes talking to them on the phone. I would be nowhere without them. I think my mom is amazing. I don't always portray that very well....

I am finding it very difficult to redefine myself. I am trying to figure out who I am. Figure it out without being Mrs. Adam Haley, without being Adams girlfriend or fiance. Ive spent so long being that I now realize. I have to decide who I am, decide who I want to be. I am, again, working so hard at changing my life and attitude and I realize I can take my life anywhere I want at this point. So when I look in the mirror... at myself... who do I want to see looking back at me?

I want to be who you want me to be

But I want to do it for myself.

I want to be happy again.

More so, I want to be the person I remember I was. I want to be optimistic, I want to look at the world with pink colored glasses.

I think when time after time things didn't go how I thought they would I began to believe it was better to assume things would go poorly. This way I didn't get let down, time after time. I began to see the bad in people over the good in people.

I have spent the last four months re inventing my way of thinking. It hasn't been difficult, it has actually been enjoyable. I have talked to God, I have listened to others thoughts and oponions... I have looked for the good in everyone and FOUND IT... It has been amazing...

I never use to take the time to see the beauty in things. Not in the world, not in others. I thought something like sunsets were just a waste of time.

I want to believe in myself again. I want to know who I am. I want to be secure in that. I know Adam is never coming back. I still want to be the person who he saw. I know he fell in love with me once. I have to believe he was in love with me for some of the time we were together. I want him to be able to be proud of the person that I am....

I want to be proud of the person that I am.

“For beautiful eyes, look for the good in others; for beautiful lips, speak only words of kindness; and for poise, walk with the knowledge that you are never alone.”Audrey Hepburn

New

I never really thought I would be a blogger. To be honest I really just don't have the time. In the midst of the most tragic summer of my life I have found I have some things to say and no one to say them to. I have found I have all these thoughts and they never seem to come out. There are things I randomly think, and have forgotten by the time I could get them out to the one person who I pay to have to listen to all my thoughts.

Would I ever have thought I would end up here? No. I have had the most perfect charmed life. I have been happy and sad, mad and glad. I have rarely been devastated, and now I find myself in a constant state of devastation. There is something eerie about knowing you single handedly ruined your entire future. There is something more eerie wondering if it was for your own good.

I was recently engaged to the love of my life. Forsure, there is no question in my mind. He was the one. He is the one. My mood is not hopeful. We will never be again. This I know. I am finding it very difficult to let go... but somewhere in my mind I know it was the right thing. When he broke up with me, there were two reasons given. #1:I fought with him a lot. I don't blame him for breaking up with me. Everyone thinks I shouldn't be blaming myself...everyone says he is an idiot. I think "everyone" is wrong. #2: He needed to get his life together. After this convo no more was said. Talks were not allowed to be had.I think this was the hardest part... and continues to be. hence...the blog.

I lay in bed at night and it flashes through my head the days I was so happy. The days I would look over at my sleeping fiance and smile to my self. The times I couldn't sleep and would just lay and listen to him breathe. The feeling of complete and utter happiness, complete safety, complete trust and unimaginable love. So how could this union have ended I wonder. I know why. I kept things to myself, problems. We never fought... never once unless I was drunk and decided to say what I thought needed to be said.

I was angry. I was mad that my fiance never once bought me dinner. I was mad that he freely spent the money we both worked so hard for.... but I didn't say that. I said "my" money. Maybe it was my money, well, it was. But we were getting married, it should have been ours. He was trying so hard, it wasn't that he was taking advantage of me... but I paid for everything we did, and everything he did. He would go out with his friends and spend 400 dollars in a weekend.... a weekend I was working... but was it worth it? I say yes. My father has actually "yelled" at me since this confession. Money isn't everything, that I have learned. Waking up and laying in bed and giggling... that is worth it. Someone who can actually be your best friend...someone who can actually be your whole life...that is worth it. And that is what I had.

Where did it go wrong? I know... I wish I didn't but I do. It was probably the day we moved in together. Things got out of control.... things got too serious, then we bought a house... and things got too serious, then we got engaged....and things got too serious.Things became monotone... I became his mother and a house wife and our life became about paying bills and not about loving eachother. We weren't ready to buy a house. I see this now. We should have been just enoying our lives together. We didn't need to be engaged... If I had things my way, we could just date again. We could both have our own houses and just be ok with being in love. If I had it my way we would NEVER get married. We would live the rest of our lives together giggling about things eachother said, things only we got.

He has made himself very clear that he is over it. Already. and that hurts too... is it that I was that insignificant? or that he hated me that much before we broke up that it was just a relief to be away from me. How is it that I still cry everyday and he just doesn't care anymore?

I don't know. I am moving on, I am. I am moving on because I have to. He is moving on because he wants to... and maybe I just don't know how to do it as well.