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I never really thought I would be a blogger. To be honest I really just don't have the time. In the midst of the most tragic summer of my life I have found I have some things to say and no one to say them to. I have found I have all these thoughts and they never seem to come out. There are things I randomly think, and have forgotten by the time I could get them out to the one person who I pay to have to listen to all my thoughts.

Would I ever have thought I would end up here? No. I have had the most perfect charmed life. I have been happy and sad, mad and glad. I have rarely been devastated, and now I find myself in a constant state of devastation. There is something eerie about knowing you single handedly ruined your entire future. There is something more eerie wondering if it was for your own good.

I was recently engaged to the love of my life. Forsure, there is no question in my mind. He was the one. He is the one. My mood is not hopeful. We will never be again. This I know. I am finding it very difficult to let go... but somewhere in my mind I know it was the right thing. When he broke up with me, there were two reasons given. #1:I fought with him a lot. I don't blame him for breaking up with me. Everyone thinks I shouldn't be blaming myself...everyone says he is an idiot. I think "everyone" is wrong. #2: He needed to get his life together. After this convo no more was said. Talks were not allowed to be had.I think this was the hardest part... and continues to be. hence...the blog.

I lay in bed at night and it flashes through my head the days I was so happy. The days I would look over at my sleeping fiance and smile to my self. The times I couldn't sleep and would just lay and listen to him breathe. The feeling of complete and utter happiness, complete safety, complete trust and unimaginable love. So how could this union have ended I wonder. I know why. I kept things to myself, problems. We never fought... never once unless I was drunk and decided to say what I thought needed to be said.

I was angry. I was mad that my fiance never once bought me dinner. I was mad that he freely spent the money we both worked so hard for.... but I didn't say that. I said "my" money. Maybe it was my money, well, it was. But we were getting married, it should have been ours. He was trying so hard, it wasn't that he was taking advantage of me... but I paid for everything we did, and everything he did. He would go out with his friends and spend 400 dollars in a weekend.... a weekend I was working... but was it worth it? I say yes. My father has actually "yelled" at me since this confession. Money isn't everything, that I have learned. Waking up and laying in bed and giggling... that is worth it. Someone who can actually be your best friend...someone who can actually be your whole life...that is worth it. And that is what I had.

Where did it go wrong? I know... I wish I didn't but I do. It was probably the day we moved in together. Things got out of control.... things got too serious, then we bought a house... and things got too serious, then we got engaged....and things got too serious.Things became monotone... I became his mother and a house wife and our life became about paying bills and not about loving eachother. We weren't ready to buy a house. I see this now. We should have been just enoying our lives together. We didn't need to be engaged... If I had things my way, we could just date again. We could both have our own houses and just be ok with being in love. If I had it my way we would NEVER get married. We would live the rest of our lives together giggling about things eachother said, things only we got.

He has made himself very clear that he is over it. Already. and that hurts too... is it that I was that insignificant? or that he hated me that much before we broke up that it was just a relief to be away from me. How is it that I still cry everyday and he just doesn't care anymore?

I don't know. I am moving on, I am. I am moving on because I have to. He is moving on because he wants to... and maybe I just don't know how to do it as well.