Yesterday, at 1:30am... my dear friend R sent me a text and asked me, " When does it get easier?" My immediate thought is ...any day now. I didn't text her back until this morning because I was sleeping next to my best best love child friend J, who found it easier to sleep over at my house than go home alone... since yes, her boyfriend just broke up with her.
I feel two things at this time.
1. I think my turn is over. My friends have been amazing through all of my saddness, through all of my bullshit... through the entire summer. My wedding day has come and passed, and now it is time to move on and leave my past in my past. It is time for me to put my feelings aside and try to help my friends... who are in the same position I was in just five short months ago. Can I tell them when the heart ache will stop? No. because I myself do not know yet. I do have advice though. I am well on my way to recovery. Will they listen? Who knows. I do know it helps to hear all points of view. I do know that most the time I didn't listen, and that was my choice. I didn't always want to feel better... I think I thought sometimes I shouldn't feel better. I was wrong, but they have the right to be wrong as well. They have the right to grieve in their own way and own time... all I need to do is be there as much as possible, just like they were for me.
2. My second thought is what the fuck? what? really? what? It seems as though almost every unmarried friend I have right now has recently been dumped, and is unable to get over it. It makes me wonder, are we massicists? I know that it is semi unrealistic to live your life alone, with only your girlfriends and maybe some cats... but is it? Is it worth this? Is it worth a broken heart time and time again... just to maybe find someone? Is it worth longing for someone in the middle of the night, waking up from a dream and realizing they are not in fact in the bed laying next to you... wishing and hoping someone will come back.. when you know they won't. My question is, does this life really facilitate a great love? I love my friends. I loved Adam. can't that be enough?Why isn't it enough? I then get so angry... angry I think this way, angry he left... I hate boys... but then there are amazing boys. Who despite the fact you can't let go... of someone that is not them... are still willing to be there, and wait, and just be amazing. And how is that fair? Why can't I tell my brain what I want to do and then do it? Or does it have anything to do with my brain? Can your heart really think for itself?
I don't know. But I have five months under my belt, and I will figure it out day by day just to help my friends... no one should have to feel like this... and I'm not sure why we do...
Monday, September 15, 2008
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
I guess I don't even know what I want anymore.
I thought it would make me feel so much better... being given an explanation, being told he is not in fact dating a girl, he doesn't even like her at all, he does accept responsibility for some of the situations we are now left in. I thought hearing him say "I love you too" would mend my broken heart.
It did, it did help. It did make me feel better. It did not however make me want to run back into his arms.. and thats how I know it's getting better. Maybe just because I know I can't. I think we both know we have lost true love... and neither of us seems to know how to get it back. But somehow it helps to know the love is still there. I don't know if we ever will... but for now it's ok. Look at Andy and Amber.
What I want more so than to love A is for him to love A. He gets these ideas in his head that he isn't progressing through life fast enough, or as fast as he should be. That he is unmotivated and lazy. That he isn't worth it sometimes and it's simply not true. I am the only person on this earth I believe who really knows Adam, besides his mom and dad. I tried for three years to get him to open up, and in lots of ways he did... in other ways I never even saw a glimpse. And that is fine, that is how some people are, that is the way they like it, and there is nothing wrong with being who you are... no matter if it is socially acceptable, ideal or anything.
Adam is an amazing person. I have seen his life to a total 180... I think his problem is he doesn't think it's far enough, and it may not be... but that is for him to decide. He needs to sit down and decide where he wants to be, and how to get there. To think realistically how long it will take and how much work it will take. To put pressures on himself that are not obtainable is not going to help.
He asks how "You have this awesome drive that makes you want to… no… HAVE to succeed"... I simply replied that he cannot compare himself to me, or anyone else. He needs to do his own thing in his own time. He needs to own his mistakes, AND his accomplishments. Furthermore, I have spent my life trying to be perfect, it's just another day to me, I can't not push..... ugh... whole different story.
It did, it did help. It did make me feel better. It did not however make me want to run back into his arms.. and thats how I know it's getting better. Maybe just because I know I can't. I think we both know we have lost true love... and neither of us seems to know how to get it back. But somehow it helps to know the love is still there. I don't know if we ever will... but for now it's ok. Look at Andy and Amber.
What I want more so than to love A is for him to love A. He gets these ideas in his head that he isn't progressing through life fast enough, or as fast as he should be. That he is unmotivated and lazy. That he isn't worth it sometimes and it's simply not true. I am the only person on this earth I believe who really knows Adam, besides his mom and dad. I tried for three years to get him to open up, and in lots of ways he did... in other ways I never even saw a glimpse. And that is fine, that is how some people are, that is the way they like it, and there is nothing wrong with being who you are... no matter if it is socially acceptable, ideal or anything.
Adam is an amazing person. I have seen his life to a total 180... I think his problem is he doesn't think it's far enough, and it may not be... but that is for him to decide. He needs to sit down and decide where he wants to be, and how to get there. To think realistically how long it will take and how much work it will take. To put pressures on himself that are not obtainable is not going to help.
He asks how "You have this awesome drive that makes you want to… no… HAVE to succeed"... I simply replied that he cannot compare himself to me, or anyone else. He needs to do his own thing in his own time. He needs to own his mistakes, AND his accomplishments. Furthermore, I have spent my life trying to be perfect, it's just another day to me, I can't not push..... ugh... whole different story.
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