Yesterday, at 1:30am... my dear friend R sent me a text and asked me, " When does it get easier?" My immediate thought is ...any day now. I didn't text her back until this morning because I was sleeping next to my best best love child friend J, who found it easier to sleep over at my house than go home alone... since yes, her boyfriend just broke up with her.
I feel two things at this time.
1. I think my turn is over. My friends have been amazing through all of my saddness, through all of my bullshit... through the entire summer. My wedding day has come and passed, and now it is time to move on and leave my past in my past. It is time for me to put my feelings aside and try to help my friends... who are in the same position I was in just five short months ago. Can I tell them when the heart ache will stop? No. because I myself do not know yet. I do have advice though. I am well on my way to recovery. Will they listen? Who knows. I do know it helps to hear all points of view. I do know that most the time I didn't listen, and that was my choice. I didn't always want to feel better... I think I thought sometimes I shouldn't feel better. I was wrong, but they have the right to be wrong as well. They have the right to grieve in their own way and own time... all I need to do is be there as much as possible, just like they were for me.
2. My second thought is what the fuck? what? really? what? It seems as though almost every unmarried friend I have right now has recently been dumped, and is unable to get over it. It makes me wonder, are we massicists? I know that it is semi unrealistic to live your life alone, with only your girlfriends and maybe some cats... but is it? Is it worth this? Is it worth a broken heart time and time again... just to maybe find someone? Is it worth longing for someone in the middle of the night, waking up from a dream and realizing they are not in fact in the bed laying next to you... wishing and hoping someone will come back.. when you know they won't. My question is, does this life really facilitate a great love? I love my friends. I loved Adam. can't that be enough?Why isn't it enough? I then get so angry... angry I think this way, angry he left... I hate boys... but then there are amazing boys. Who despite the fact you can't let go... of someone that is not them... are still willing to be there, and wait, and just be amazing. And how is that fair? Why can't I tell my brain what I want to do and then do it? Or does it have anything to do with my brain? Can your heart really think for itself?
I don't know. But I have five months under my belt, and I will figure it out day by day just to help my friends... no one should have to feel like this... and I'm not sure why we do...
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Kelley - I don't know if you know this - but ever since you told me I could read your blog site I have been - periodically. I've even started my own which I told you about. It kind of helps me when i read yours in a weird way. I feel like you have a lot of insight and it makes me feel a little bit better. You really have been an amazing friend and a agreat listener. Even though we've only really become close these last few months - I feel like I can share anything with you and not be judged. I hope you know you can, too. Your time isn't over just cuz it's been 5 months. I'm here for you whenever and however you need me to be. Thanks for being you :)
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