Pink:
I don’t mind it I don’t mind at all It’s like you’re the swing set And I’m the kid that falls It’s like the way we fight The times I’ve cried We come to blows And every night The passion’s there So it’s got to be right Right? No I don’t believe you When you say don’t come around here no more I won’t remind you You said we wouldn’t be apart No I don’t believe you When you say you don’t need me anymore So don’t pretend to Not love me at all I don’t mind it I still don’t mind at all It’s like one of those bad dreams When you can’t wake up It looks like you’ve given up You’ve had enough But I want more No I won't stop Because I just know You’ll come around Right? No I don’t believe you When you say don’t come around here no more I won’t remind you You said we wouldn’t be apart No I don’t believe you When you say you don’t need me anymore So don’t pretend to Not love me at all Just don’t stand there and watch me fall Because I, because I still don’t mind at all It’s like the way we fight The times I’ve cried We come to blows And every night The passion's there So it’s got to be right, Right? No I don’t believe you When you say don’t come around here no more I won’t remind you You said we wouldn’t be apart No I don’t believe you When you say you don’t need me anymore So don’t pretend to Not love me at all I don’t believe you
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
How many times do you break before you shatter?
James Blunt... a wise man... once said:
Goodbye my lover
Goodbye my friend
You have been the one
You have been the one for me
I am a dreamer and when I wake
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take
And as you move on, remember me
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry,
I've seen you smile
I've watched you sleeping for a while
I'd be the mother of your child
I'd spend a lifetime with you
I know your fears and you know mine
We've had our doubts but now we're fine
And I love you,
I swear that's true
I cannot live without you
A and I decided not to talk anymore. Not to share Dolce. Nothing. We did this is in an attempt to stop hurting eachother feelings. I'm not sure this is the effect it has had on me. I do feel that it has rapidly propelled me into the next stage of the healing process...
I have slowly pulled my way through each stage... some I spent more time in than others...
1. Denial
2.Anger
3.Bargaining
4. Depression : And here I am. standing outside the door... not planning to knock, but feeling as though someone is going to reach out and grab me and pull me in screaming. Like a ghost. I want to go in. I want to because I know there is life after this stage. I think that maybe I could start to feel again after this stage. I think that maybe my body will thaw out and the numbness in my throat where I keep myself from crying with suffice.
BECAUSE WHAT'S THE NEXT STEP?
Acceptance.
I feel kinda like Hugh Grant in the movie Notting Hill... in the winter...when he walks in a daze. Only not "quite" as attractive... close though. And then... like yesterday morning, I look out my shower curtain and I see my slippers sitting there... waiting for me, and I smile...
I just need 100 more smiles... and I'll make it out ok.
As not to worry my friends, but as my mothers secretary said to her the other day, " Oh my, how much more can that girl take, " and the answer is.... so much more... you have no idea.
Note: I feel my next smile will come directly from the fab new BCBG dress I am going to slip into Saturday afternoon!
Goodbye my lover
Goodbye my friend
You have been the one
You have been the one for me
I am a dreamer and when I wake
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take
And as you move on, remember me
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry,
I've seen you smile
I've watched you sleeping for a while
I'd be the mother of your child
I'd spend a lifetime with you
I know your fears and you know mine
We've had our doubts but now we're fine
And I love you,
I swear that's true
I cannot live without you
A and I decided not to talk anymore. Not to share Dolce. Nothing. We did this is in an attempt to stop hurting eachother feelings. I'm not sure this is the effect it has had on me. I do feel that it has rapidly propelled me into the next stage of the healing process...
I have slowly pulled my way through each stage... some I spent more time in than others...
1. Denial
2.Anger
3.Bargaining
4. Depression : And here I am. standing outside the door... not planning to knock, but feeling as though someone is going to reach out and grab me and pull me in screaming. Like a ghost. I want to go in. I want to because I know there is life after this stage. I think that maybe I could start to feel again after this stage. I think that maybe my body will thaw out and the numbness in my throat where I keep myself from crying with suffice.
BECAUSE WHAT'S THE NEXT STEP?
Acceptance.
I feel kinda like Hugh Grant in the movie Notting Hill... in the winter...when he walks in a daze. Only not "quite" as attractive... close though. And then... like yesterday morning, I look out my shower curtain and I see my slippers sitting there... waiting for me, and I smile...
I just need 100 more smiles... and I'll make it out ok.
As not to worry my friends, but as my mothers secretary said to her the other day, " Oh my, how much more can that girl take, " and the answer is.... so much more... you have no idea.
Note: I feel my next smile will come directly from the fab new BCBG dress I am going to slip into Saturday afternoon!
Friday, October 3, 2008
Your upset?????
WHY? HOW? i guess its ok for my heart to break again and again and again. I don't know what changed.... I HATE YOU DANNY. It's not your business. I don't know what it is you have againt a and ever being happy... but thank you gor breaking my heart again...because what i needed to hear was... it's me and erin..... i hate my entire life
Thursday, October 2, 2008
I know I've said it before.
This is no longer acceptable... this is how I've felt all summer...and most the time how I looked.....>My life has spiraled out of control. Now I need it back. I look back at how I spent my summer... literally, seriously, in bed. Crying. At a bar. Crying. I am disgusted. Really. I have lost sight of who I am. I haven't been to the gym, running, tanning. I ate absolutely nothing but SHIT...which is not me if you know me. I seriously stopped wearing makeup and doing my hair. I lived in jeans and a t shirt. I turned down everyboy who asked me on a date.
I seriously thought at points, I didn't need to take care of myself. I was some how insignificant to the world. Why? because I was no one now with out my someone? Was I no longer allowed to live? I was depressed, it is obvious. Anyone who said this to me was obviously berated. I don't have problems, I couldn't possibly be depressed...well, whatever. I admit it. I was. I am.
Things have got to change now though.I have to love myself more than I loved him. I have to get my ASS to the salon and put on a fing dress... for my DATE on Saturday. I may cough up blood on his food ( I am very sick) but I will look pretty...and hopefully feel pretty for this first time since April 26th.
I held on as long as I could. I slept for whole weekends... recently... I have to just stop. It HAS TO STOP.
I want to be happy again. I think it is finally through my little pea brain it is over... so.. I better be on my best behavior this weekend.. :) wish me luck.
The angel...
And I quote...
"I need someone right now and you have always been there for me (and everyone you have ever known. That is angelic, by the way)"
I hate when you wake up one day and realize your just a sound board. I would do anything to make it better for him. For anyone. I am not mother Theresa. I do this out of love for my friends. I do this because I want nothing more than for every single person I love to be happy. I do in return receive certain things...like unconditional love and friendship. But what if that is not being offered?
My good friend Matt is in the hospital right now. He just had cancer cut out of his face and although he was assured he would not lose his eye...it looks as though he may. This is someone who needs my help.
My best friends R and J are going through on of the hardest things in this life... a broken heart...and they think I may have something to contribute to their healing process.... I don't know if their right, but they need my help.
I have yet to regain my life. My confidence, my happiness. Things have gotten easier, but I still cry... all the time. I still sit and think and miss my life, my finance. I still have nightmares and wake up and reach my hand across the bed, only to realize he isn't there.
I can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. I can't help someone who only needs me when they are feeling down and out, but doesn't want anything to do with me any other time. I can't help someone who says they want to do certain things but clearly doesn't try ...AT ALL.... to accomplish these things. I think one of the main reasons I am so good at helping my friends is because I am a good friend. I am there. I don't always have the answers, but I am willing to be there to listen or just keep them company.
But that is not what he wants. He wants me to listen, but not be there for anything else. He wants me to be his sound board.He doesn't have much to say to me if there isn't something wrong with him... or if there is something wrong with me....
I don't know, maybe he is right. Maybe it is too hard. Maybe I shouldn't be in his life anymore. But then... I don't know. He is my best friend. I can't lose that.....
"I need someone right now and you have always been there for me (and everyone you have ever known. That is angelic, by the way)"
I hate when you wake up one day and realize your just a sound board. I would do anything to make it better for him. For anyone. I am not mother Theresa. I do this out of love for my friends. I do this because I want nothing more than for every single person I love to be happy. I do in return receive certain things...like unconditional love and friendship. But what if that is not being offered?
My good friend Matt is in the hospital right now. He just had cancer cut out of his face and although he was assured he would not lose his eye...it looks as though he may. This is someone who needs my help.
My best friends R and J are going through on of the hardest things in this life... a broken heart...and they think I may have something to contribute to their healing process.... I don't know if their right, but they need my help.
I have yet to regain my life. My confidence, my happiness. Things have gotten easier, but I still cry... all the time. I still sit and think and miss my life, my finance. I still have nightmares and wake up and reach my hand across the bed, only to realize he isn't there.
I can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. I can't help someone who only needs me when they are feeling down and out, but doesn't want anything to do with me any other time. I can't help someone who says they want to do certain things but clearly doesn't try ...AT ALL.... to accomplish these things. I think one of the main reasons I am so good at helping my friends is because I am a good friend. I am there. I don't always have the answers, but I am willing to be there to listen or just keep them company.
But that is not what he wants. He wants me to listen, but not be there for anything else. He wants me to be his sound board.He doesn't have much to say to me if there isn't something wrong with him... or if there is something wrong with me....
I don't know, maybe he is right. Maybe it is too hard. Maybe I shouldn't be in his life anymore. But then... I don't know. He is my best friend. I can't lose that.....
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