When A and I broke up he said he needed to get his life together. A couple months later, when he said he still loved me... he said he wouldn't want to date me again because he didn't have his life together. I am starting to feel like he never will. For the first morning of my life... I feel ok with that.
I spend my days trying to make my life better. I spent time at a therapist trying to make my life better. I spend time at church and my three jobs and school... all trying to make my life better. I know at one point A wanted to do the same, I think he has forgotten about that though. I wish it wasn't so... not for "us" but for him.
Yes, it is hard to stick to a plan. Yes, sometimes I think my life sucks.. working 12 hour days, 7 days a week. It is hard. Not being able to drink with my friends.. or not wanting to... makes my friendships hard. Not having time for anything ... hard. But it is what I have to do at this point in my life... since I woke up and found myself in thsi situation, esp. financially. It is not always fun, but through my newfound perspective I have found ways to look at the bright side. I still enjoy my days. I enjoy the time I run with my dog, and talk to my friends( and remember our conversations)
A is so smart, and such an amazing person. I just wish he would wake up and grab hold of that. The very little I do see of him, or hear of him... I know forsure he is not. I want more for him than that. How can I want these things for him, even when I know he will not/is not with me? I have looked at people who asked me this question... and I've seen a bit of who I use to be.
It is forgiveness. I want Adam to be happy no matter who he is with. I have learned to live without Adam, I have thought of our relationship and the struggles. I have begged for it back. I have contemplated how I lost myself, and he may have lost himself... I miss him . All the time. I am angry sometimes. I am angry because he won't give it another shot... but, IF I were able to talk him into it... would I want a relationship I had to "talk someone" into? No. I loved Adam. He was my best friend. He is my best friend. It's forgiveness... even if he doesn't love me anymore. I figured that out months ago. I think that saved me. Did it fix me? No. But I took a long hard look at the way I was living... and the justification that I was getting over my marriage seemed... just stupid actually. Since when does trying to fix your broken heart include drinking all the time? Nope. It includes waking up everyday and loving myself... even when I am sad, even when I woke up with tears on my face...
and when I forget? I listen to the song... over and over again.
I got the call today, I didn't wanna hearBut I knew that it would comeAn old true friend of ours was talkin' on the phoneShe said you found someoneAnd I thought of all the bad luck,And all the struggles we went throughHow I lost me and you lost youWhat are these voices outside love's open doorMake us throw off our contentmentAnd beg for something more?I've been learning to live without you nowBut I miss you sometimesThe more I know, the less I understandAll the things I thought I knew, I'm learning them againI've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the MatterBut my will gets weakAnd my thoughts seem to scatterBut I think it's about forgivenessForgivenessEven if, even if you don't love me anymoreThese times are so uncertainThere's a yearning undefinedAnd people filled with rageWe all need a little tendernessHow can love survive in such a graceless ageAnd the trust and self-assurance that lead to happinessThey're the very things we kill, I guessPride and competition cannot fill these empty armsAnd the work they put between us,You know it doesn't keep us warmI've been trying to live without you nowBut I miss you, babyThe more I know, the less I understandAnd all the things I thought I figured out, I have to learn againI've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the MatterBut my will gets weakAnd my heart is so shatteredBut I think it's about forgivenessForgivenessEven if, even if you don't love me anymoreAll the people in your life who've come and goneThey let you down, you know they hurt your prideBetter put it all behind you; cause life goes onYou keep carrin' that anger, it'll eat you up insideI wanna be happily everafterAnd my heart is so shatteredBut I know it's about forgivenessForgivenessEven if, even if you don't love me anymoreI've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the MatterBecause the flesh will get weakAnd the ashes will scatterSo I'm thinkin' about forgivenessForgivenessEven if you don't love me anymoreEven if you don't love me anymore
I want to help him. I will when he lets me.
I didn't want to win...
