Amazing...

My day started off kinda low...kinda weird. Last night in the beautiful Colorado , I had yet again a bad nightmare. Let me spell it out for you.

The most I remember is:
It was kinda like college... but we had a chance to preview our rooms. I knew which one I wanted, I knew it would be the only one that could make me happy. So, I remembered where it was and the way you got these rooms...involved a race.... so... they say go. I run to what I think is my room ( or I mean the room I want) and I cant find it to save my life. I am in and out of buildings and I think I know damn well where it is. So I finally figure out exactly where it is. It is directly above where I thought it was....and how do you get up to it? A ladder. Not a stable ladder but a rope ladder. great. So I climb this ladder, I get to the top. I find myself at a place; at the top of a ladder...PETRIFIED....
the ladder was shaking, and it was being held only by a rope. It was reallyhigh, and I was at the top, and I didn't know what to do.The rope was shaking and I was afraid to jump over the top. Which was like jumping into a tree fort, but over this box....
I look behind me, and I see my dear friend Maty. Telling me, " You can do it. Just jump. I know you can do it." I look in front of me, above me. I see Adam. Reaching out his hand, telling me he will help me, that I can do it. I don't move. In my mind I know I can not. I look back and forth, and I finally decide I'm gonna do it. There is a box in the way, next to Adam, and he is at the top, the place I know I need to go. I tell him to move it. He does. I jump. I think I made it .....but my dream morphs into him and erin.... and I think.... this is real life. I wake up in tears.

And so goes my AMAZING day.

I get up, and we go to the farmers market,One of my favorite things to do. We then venture to the pool, where we read and relax... god knows I need this.

Then the best part. Kristy gives me a masssge. I feel things lifting from my mind. I don't know where they are going but they are going away from my head...and for a moment I am peaceful.

It is funny how someone can be your best friend for your entire "important" life... and you never know why, or when you will need them.... but then you do, and you didn't even realize. So I told Kristy about the dream...what does it mean???? that is the question???

So I am reaching for Adam... I need something.But what is it that I need? Well, I need to get over something right? I need to get over him... but I'm afraid, I think I can't... it seems as though I think I need his help... and that is not something i am getting. If anything, Adam is hindering my healing process by not being willing...since the day he broke up with me..... to discuss anything :(

But somehow subconsciously I know my friends are there... there helping me supporting me... I know Maty is, I know he is behind me, and I know everyone else is... trying to help me. Kristy asked me tonight what she needed to do. I said I didn't know... I asked if she could bring my boyfriend back.

I know need something. I just don't know what it is. We then took the coversation to... "Why do you think you became the way you are".... I have many answers for this. The fact that I was taught it wasn't okay to cry became one of them. It also became apparent I had morphed into a different person the second I stopped letting people walk all over me.... but I took it too far, Instead of stopping, and standing up for myself in a polite manner, I became something... some one... who I don't want to be. I became a bitch, I can see that now. Now that it's too late.